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Today is another beautiful Tennessee Morning. I'm fighting a cold, so I sleep in just a bit. As I roll out of bed, I grab my computer and a cup of tea to settle in for the better half of the day in my study. I have an article due this week. I stare out the window for 45 minutes, asking God to give me a fresh word. And...nothing. Nothing comes to mind. I feel numb. But then the tears begin to fall. I miss the life I once knew. I miss the love that surrounded my life. I miss yesterday. I was just 15 years old when I met the man of my dreams, Trent Lenderink. I'll never forget that wintry night in Grand Rapids. I was sitting with my girlfriends in youth group when three "yummy" guys walked into the room. I raised my hands toward heaven and whispered, "Thank-you, Jesus! I love church!" As Trent's and my eyes met that night, who could've known that would be the beginning of a fairy-tale relationship? I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, but on my birthday the phone rang. It was Prince Charming. Seven years later, Trent and i married in the church where we met. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate.
Trent and I both had dreams and one of mine was music. I signed my first record deal in 1995 and wanted Trent to be a part of this journey, so I took his first name as my last. I became Tammy Trent and he became my manager. After 11 years of marriage, three albums, and a few bumps in the road, I was exhausted from the pace of life. I also sensed God was up to something. I could feel it in my soul.In September 2001, a friend called to ask if our schedule was clear for a trip to Jamaica. It was. What perfect timing, I thought. Time away from everything to clearly hear from God.Jamaica's Blue Lagoon was spectacular. The sun was shinging, the water was aquamarine, and Trent, an avid scuba diver, was ready to explore the 240-foot-deep hole. He slid quietly into the lagoon and said, "I'll see you in 15 minutes." Then Trent turned toward the deep water, and sank beneath the surface.It has been eight years since I stood on the edge of the water, waiting for Trent to return. I have cried buckets of tears. I have screamed about how much I hate this new plan for my life. But I'm also learning to walk it out with hope and faith as I gain perspective. This side of heaven won't answer all my "whys". But if I keep my eyes open to the things of God, I see Him at work, giving my pain purpose. A few days after I lost Trent, I found myself in a hotel bathroom, clinging to the vanity. Barely strong enough to stand, I asked God to send someone. "I'm not asking for thousands of angels, just one angel that will hold me. Are You there, God? Do You see this girl? Are You real? Please send someone if You're there!" I sensed the Spirit nudging me to get up. I walked over to the adjoining room and saw this beautiful Jamaican woman in a housekeeping uniform. "Ma'am," I said. "Will you make my bed? It's a mess."She looked at me and said, "I could hear you crying, and I've been trying to get to you. May I come in and hold you?"She walked in, wrapped her arms around me, and without hesitation, began to pray for me. I cried in her arms as my healing began, knowing that I would not just survive, but I would overcome in Jesus' name. I continue to face challenges every day, but not a moment goes by that I don't feel the hand of God guiding me. I also give myself permission to have tough days and to yell with my "outdoor voice" to God. It's all a part of bein
g in true, honest relationship with Jesus.Recently, I was working at home and felt overwhelmed. I ran to my bedroom closet, shut the door behind me, and cried like a baby, "I can't do this! I'm not strong enough. I'm not smart enough." About 15 minutes into my big-girl cry, my eyes were drawn to a tiny light shining through the crack of the door and onto my shoe case. As I pulled myself together, I could almost hear God whisper: Tammy, you are strong enough. You are smart enough. You are brave enough. Look at all of these shoes. Look at how far you've come. You've walked through every new season of life, and you continue to put one foot in front of the other as you wholeheartedly put your faith and trust in Me."Yes!" I shouted. "Yes!" I got up, wiped my tears, and grabbed my running shoes.The truth is, I thought for a long time I couldn't do life without Trent, but God carried me through until I understood that I could do it, that I was strong enough. I think He was showing me that I had relied too much on Trent and not enough on Him. As hard as it is to say, I believe losing Trent was a part of God's plan, and (no suprise) I hate this part. But I'm still convinced that it's also part of God's plan that I continue to minister to others through music and speaking because the tragedy has grown into something deeper and richer in my soul. A new fragrance of 
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